Friday, May 9, 2014

Dear Erectile Dysfunction Advertisers (with video!)

An open letter to those geniuses behind the ads for Cialis, Viagra, and Levitra.

Dear Sirs,

No need to put "or madams" in this address because, clearly, women are not creating these ads. Wanna know how I figured that out? From the very first sentence you all seem to use. 

The thing is, you start out with something like "She's the love of your life, but your ED is probably not her fault."

Like this one:

Yeah, that's a big tip-off right there for me. 

What a relief to women everywhere! It's his blood flow, not the fact she still "gets" you after all these years. I gotta say, that is the most bizarre non-sequitur I've ever heard in a commercial. 

'Cuz, fellas, we know it's not our fault. Trust me when I say, we females are fairly familiar with the fact that, after a certain age, some of the plumbing just don't work the way it used to. 

And while we're on the subject of age, can someone tell me why the so-called wives in these commercials look so damn much younger than their husbands?

And let's discuss those side effects, shall we? From the more innocuous breathing issues to the four-hour erection (huh?!), I'm thinking most wives would rather skip the risk and settle for a little cuddle time.

Honestly, though. Has the marketing department done their homework with regards to these he-man products? Do you ad guys know who buys most of this stuff? Men in nursing homes! 

So, how about we see some age-appropriate actors in your ads? Those doddering silver used-to-think-I'm-God's-gift-to-the-feminine-gender-but-now-must-rely-on-my-sleek-top-of-the-line-scooter-to-attract-the-babes guys trolling the dimly lit halls for still-breathing widows who opted to skip Bingo after four o'clock dinner on a Wednesday evening. 

Think of it. Instead of "When you're in the mood...", the narrator could just say, "When you've found a live one..."

Sure, it's creepy. But, to most of us, so are these.

No Love (no, seriously. Stop waving that thing in my face!),


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