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Monday, April 14, 2014

A Bird in the Hand?

The following is a genuine text conversation that occurred between my son and me this morning. *(Expletives have been removed to preserve delicate sensibilities.) Also note, I was at Le Day Job at the time.

BOY: There's a ****in bird in the house.

Me: How?

BOY: Idk. I'm assuming one of the windows Dad has open has no screen.



He keeps smashing into the windows and it's hilarious.
I opened the back door and I'm yelling at him to go to the kitchen but I don't think he speaks English.
Let me try Spanish.

Me: You're killing me.

BOY: (All caps his emphasis) HE WON'T ****ING LEAVE THE LIVING ROOM AND EVERY TIME I TRY TO SCARE HIM OUT, HE HITS A WINDOW
**** I lost him.

Me: Can you open the windows and pop out the screens til he leaves?

BOY: I lost him

Me: Well, either the cats will find him or he'll show up again. Close all the bedroom doors so he doesn't go in there.



BOY: HE HAS BEEN RELOCATED
He's literally the dumbest bird ever

Me: He's a bird.

BOY: I'm gonna try throwing a sesame seed at him
Noooooope. Animal cracker.

Me: Do you need me to come home?

BOY: No, I need him to leave home.
I. Got. This.

Me: Ok

BOY: I just hit it with an animal cracker and it still won't move.

Me: Do you want me to come home?

BOY: NO. I. GOT. THIS.

(A fifteen minute conversation by telephone with my daughter ensued while the bird was chased off my window curtain and under my couch and I listened to the mayhem from ten miles away.) At last...

BOY: ELVIS HAS LEFT THE BUILDING.

This is my life, friends. You can't make this stuff up.


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