Thursday, January 10, 2008

Thursday 13: Thirteen Comic Female Stereotypes I've Never Done

Ever listen to comedians talk about their wives or girlfriends? A lot of them seem to have these stereotypical "Everywoman" comments. More times than not, when I hear those, I find myself shaking my head and saying, "*I* don't do that." So...let's take a poll. How many of these supposed complaints are you guilty of?

1. Asking your S.O. to hold your purse in a store. Umm... sorry, but I don't trust ANYONE with my purse. I'll hang it around my neck before I let the dh get access.

2. Sending your S.O. to the store for feminine hygiene products. Not even when, after childbirth, the hospital only had the type that required belts (and this was in the 90's...hello? You'd think with what they charge for "ancillary supplies" they might upgrade to pads with adhesive.)

3. Saying, "What are you thinking?" after intimacy. Like I could get the words out before he started snoring. Besides, I'm not even sure *I'm* thinking at that point.

4. Putting out special guest soap or hand towels no one in the house is allowed to touch. Telling anyone in my household "don't touch" is an open invitation guessed it...touch!

5. Asking your S.O. if your outfit makes your butt look big or makes you look fat. Fashion advice...from a man? Not unless he's in the industry or gay.

6. Having decorative throw pillows on your bed or couch. I don't want to have to rearrange stuff to relax; that kinda defeats the purpose, doesn't it?

7. Following dictates from Oprah. I've never once bought a book, an outfit, or a political candidate simply because the Big O (or any other female in broadcasting) recommended it.

8. Calling him into a room to kill a bug. If I waited for dh to come to me before exterminating any pest unfortunate enough to find its way into my house, I'd be overrun with creepy-crawlies while he was still asking, "What did you say?"

9. Running late to any affair (dinner party, wedding, etc.) because you can't decide what to wear. Actually, in my household I'm generally waiting in the car with both kids ready, and some kind of dessert or gift on my lap, while the dh is still in the bedroom in his underwear pondering which shirt goes better with which tie, which suit looks better, etc.

10. Borrowing his razor. Ick. Though, I do admit, we both use the same brand of razor--his the masculine form, mine the feminine--and since they use the same size blade, we have filched new blades from each other fresh out of the package. But to just use the same blade he used on his face to do my underarms (or vice-versa)? Yuk, yuk, yuk!

11. "Allowing" him to go out with his friends. I married a man; I didn't buy him. In fact, I encourage him to go out with his friends. He loves paddleball and skiing--two sports I can't indulge due to herniated discs and osteoporosis. So because I can't go with him, he should give up what he loves? Un-unh.

12. Getting jealous when I spot him in the vicinity of a younger, prettier girl. Hey! I'm no Angelina Jolie. But I'm not an insecure nut job, either. Suspecting he's cheating (or even considering it) simply because there's a pretty girl nearby is like thinking every gay man becomes a sex-obsessed maniac in the locker room. Until he gives me a reason not to trust him, I trust him. It all comes down to that same "I married him; I didn't buy him" credo.

13. Asking his opinion on something and then doing the exact opposite. Now that I think of it, dh is more guilty of this than I am. He never believes anything I tell him unless he also hears it from another MAN. As if logic and common sense is imbedded in Y chromosomes. And yet, on television, the woman's the indecisive, needs-his-opinion-only-to-go-her-own-way character. Go figya.
How'd you do?