You all know Maxine, right? That cranky old lady pictured above who graces greeting cards, calendars, and coffee mugs. Here are some of my favorite sayings from the Old Girl.
1. "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures."
2. "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."
3. "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."
4. "I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible."
5. "I find it helps to organize chores into categories: Things I Won't Do Now, Things I Won't Do Later, Things I'll Never Do..."
6. "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."
7. "Ever notice how people who tell you to calm down...are the ones who got you mad in the first place?"
8. "I don't make snowmen. If I'd wanted to hang around with a cold man with slush for brains, I'd still be married."
9. "I wouldn't say my love life is bad, but the last guy I turned on was Mr. Coffee."
10. "The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket."
11. "If you woke up breathing, congratulations. You have another chance."
12. "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a margarita."
13. "Money can't buy happiness, but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia."