13 Secrets To Getting Published
Sssh! I'm going to let my loyal readers in on the truth. Anyone can be published if they follow these simple rules.
1. Query before you start the story. Why waste time writing the book until you know you've got a sucker, er...that is, a publisher on the hook?
2. The squeaky wheel gets the grease! Before you send your manuscript, call the editor so (s)he'll know to expect it. Then call everyday after you mail it so (s)he'll be on the lookout for its arrival.
3. Show the editor how your book will look in print. Design a cover and have the manuscript bound before submitting.
4. Editors LOVE presents! Slip a $100 bill in between the pages of your manuscript. Or even better, include chocolate, especially in those hot summer months!
5. Rules are for people with no vision. You're an ARTIST! Don't worry about any guidelines the publishing house cites for submissions. Be daring, be brave. Break 'em all!
6. Make your manuscript stand out from the stack: use pink scented paper and curlicue fonts.
7. Send your manuscript to every editor listed in Publisher's Marketplace. Better saturation might get you a bidding war!
8. Lie. Tell your target editor that a famous author LOVES your work. It's not like (s)he'll check.
9. Quit your day job so you can be near the phone at all times. After all, you're going to be rich and famous very soon!
10. Your work is perfect the way it is. Critiques and revisions are for amateurs. Insist you'll make no changes to your manuscript. Editors respect writers who believe in themselves strongly.
11. Don't start writing anything new. You want to be ready to promote your work immediately upon getting "The Call." Once the money starts rolling in and you're on the NYT Bestseller List, you'll have plenty of time to write another story.
12. Sex sells! So what if your story is weak? Throw in super-hot love scenes in every chapter and your fortune is made. (Check Penthouse Forum for insight on how women and men really interact with each other!)
13. If all else fails...the secret word is: "goldfish." (But don't tell anyone I told you!)