13 Secrets To Getting Published
Sssh! I'm going to let my loyal readers in on the truth. Anyone can be published if they follow these simple rules.
1. Query before you start the story. Why waste time writing the book until you know you've got a sucker, er...that is, a publisher on the hook?
2. The squeaky wheel gets the grease! Before you send your manuscript, call the editor so (s)he'll know to expect it. Then call everyday after you mail it so (s)he'll be on the lookout for its arrival.
3. Show the editor how your book will look in print. Design a cover and have the manuscript bound before submitting.
4. Editors LOVE presents! Slip a $100 bill in between the pages of your manuscript. Or even better, include chocolate, especially in those hot summer months!
5. Rules are for people with no vision. You're an ARTIST! Don't worry about any guidelines the publishing house cites for submissions. Be daring, be brave. Break 'em all!
6. Make your manuscript stand out from the stack: use pink scented paper and curlicue fonts.
7. Send your manuscript to every editor listed in Publisher's Marketplace. Better saturation might get you a bidding war!
8. Lie. Tell your target editor that a famous author LOVES your work. It's not like (s)he'll check.
9. Quit your day job so you can be near the phone at all times. After all, you're going to be rich and famous very soon!
10. Your work is perfect the way it is. Critiques and revisions are for amateurs. Insist you'll make no changes to your manuscript. Editors respect writers who believe in themselves strongly.
11. Don't start writing anything new. You want to be ready to promote your work immediately upon getting "The Call." Once the money starts rolling in and you're on the NYT Bestseller List, you'll have plenty of time to write another story.
12. Sex sells! So what if your story is weak? Throw in super-hot love scenes in every chapter and your fortune is made. (Check Penthouse Forum for insight on how women and men really interact with each other!)
13. If all else fails...the secret word is: "goldfish." (But don't tell anyone I told you!)
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21 comments:
Thank goodness you put the "Just Kidding" disclaimor. LOL!
You forgot to mention #14)You must put into your query referrals from authors you didn't get permission from.
(Sorry. Is that sore subject?)LOL!
Ah, that's what my problem was: I used lavender paper and violet ink.
I still think it looks gorgeous, and they showed a definite lack of vision in rejecting it. :)
Seriously, I love this list! It's all the cliches that non-writers tend to believe.
NIIIIIIIIICE...hahahaha. A great list with absolutely no sarcasm in it at all. LOLOL
OMG! LOL You're a hoot!
http://adellelaudan.blogspot.com
you're evil, i adore this post and i'm completely laughing my ass off. Yeah - i'll get right on using that secret password... snickering even though i spewed coffee all over my monitor.
ROFL ... You are SO going to he** in a handbasket for this one! Love it!!
LMAO! So this is what I've been doing wrong!
I read the first one and was appalled! I read on realized you MUST be joking. LOL. Thanks for reminding me not to take myself so damn seriously.
What a great post! This made my day! Hehe
Great list, thanks for all of the helpful hints (and the laugh).
Girl, you scared the sh*t out of me! I got to number two and I was trying to figure out how to break it to you tactfully... ROFL!
This is the advice follow by established writers only. Don't try this if you're a beginner. *LOL*
GOLDFISH! Now I know what I've been doing wrong, I thought it was monkeypaw. Thanks so much for the insider tips.
I'd add, do your cover letter in crayon. They love that kind of thing ;)
I shudder to think how many "dreams" you've just trumpled on by that list! ;)
Damn, Gina! I was drinking a can of gingerale, started reading this, snorted and nearly chocked to death! My eyes are still watering!
VERY GOOD!
But, I perceive an evil twist here. If everyone were to follow these rules, you'd be the only one doing it right, and you'd sell all the books! Bwahahaha!
This is so funny. You actually had me at the beginning and then I started thinking ??? What is that!
Lol. Great list of what not to do. ;)
LOL! I could add a few to this list!
LOL! I could add a few to this list!
Thanks for the laugh. This is turning out to be a great TT day.
ROFLMBO...Absolutely love it! You forgot about passing your manuscript to an editor/agent under the bathroom stall. *WEG*
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